...Woo Me Back, Jesus...

I remember times past when I have slipped away from Your grace and directed my hurts as hate against You,  but You didn't stop loving me. No, You wooed me back to You again. That's the kindness of Your mercy...it loves my hate away. You know me so well...You  know I need that mercy again.

Psalm 40:12 Amp, "For innumerable evils have compassed me about; my iniquities have taken such hold on me that I am not able to look up. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart has failed me and forsaken me."

Now that I have let myself be distracted by this world, the hurts of this life, the broken dreams and promises that never came to be and the lies of the enemy, I am ready to let my heart get back to where and Who it belongs to. My heart has drifted without direction and purpose for long enough.
I'm sorry Lord, I don't mean to sound or seem so flippant when speaking of slipping away from the safety of Your love, Your salvation, Your guidance, Your mercy, Your friendship, Your beautiful plan for me; especially, because I'm finding it's not so easy just to get back to where I want and need to be. I am asking You please, "Withhold not Your tender mercy from me, O Lord; let Your loving- kindness and Your truth continually preserve me!" I have remembered that Your words, Your truth, will preserve me when troubles have taken such a hold on me that I am unable to look up. I don't want these hurts and disappointments to rule and reign in my heart. I want Your words of truth and freedom to be what my heart gets smitten with.
I remember the times that I shared (willingly) everything with You, now I am finding it hard to even talk to You each day before it starts- oh, how I hate even saying that, but, You know it's true. It doesn't mean I don't talk to You, I am just finding different ways to do that-- I have already gone too long being angry and not talking to You, Lord.

I don't really mean to be selfish; what I really want is to be so filled with You that I can't possibly stay contained to just me-- that the You in me must be spilling out to others. Search the deepest parts of my heart Lord and show me the areas where that is not true. Show me how You and I will move truth into those lies of my heart.

Thank You Jesus for wooing me back to You, pease don't stop...it's working!

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How Did This Happen?

This post was started a few days ago and I've had some better days since then, but I decided to post it anyway because this blog is about talks with God - good, bad or otherwise!

It's 4:40 in the morning, I can't sleep, again! I'm sitting here asking myself how did I get so far away from God and His goodness? How did this happen?

God, I'm in spiritual trouble!
I don't even know what to say, what to pray or what to do!
I feel lost and lonely.
I have managed to alienate most of my family and loved ones so, these days, being in a room full of people is just about the loneliest thing I encounter. I have no church home so any spiritual growth comes from TBN and trying to read God's word at home in my room (alone).
My heart is sinking God, surely there's more to Your plan for me than this!? I literally cannot stand who or where I am right now, and I need help!
Help me, Abba...

So much of my struggle is with this physical pain and sickness and I have no idea how to get the help I need other than what I'm already doing and it is slow, painful and so far no success- at least where any significant relief from the pain is concerned. And then, the worst part is the struggle with the spiritual pain.
It seems as though I have been on the front lines of this spiritual battle for a very long time (3yrs) now and I can't keep going on like this!
Father, please help Your daughter, I am so weary and I need Your rest.


* 1Thessalonians 5:24 Amp. "Faithful is He Who is calling you [to Himself] and utterly trustworthy, and He will also do it [fulfill His call by hallowing and keeping you]."
Oh, I desperately want to cling to these words of truth! I will desperately cling to theses words, they are hope for my heart.

I made the mistake of putting too much of my trust, hope and future into people, the system, a program, the church, a doctor etc.. These are all good, but not where total trust is given or even expected. Jesus has shown me that only He holds total trust, to give it and receive it. Just like the verse says, faithful and utterly trustworthy are You! It is I who keeps forgetting that.

When I say that I feel lost and lonely, I hear You telling me Lord, that You felt that way too as You carried Your cross to the place where You would die for my lost and lonely soul. You never leave me, You always abide in me, so if I am lost and lonely then it can only mean that I am not abiding in You. That is a very sobering truth!
I feel the Holy Spirit reminding me that, yes, God can and does come down and touch thousands of people all at once, but He also can and does come down and touch one lonely and hurting heart of one of His precious daughter's. So whether I am in a room full of people and still so lonely it hurts or whether I am in a room all alone - I have Him,  ALWAYS!

I know God, that You have not ever left me, no, not once! It is I, who has abandoned You!
And, I now know, that is exactly how this slipping away from You and Your goodness did happen!

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