My Strength Is In You, Jesus!

I love this verse from Philippians 4:13 in most versions of the Bible, but I especially love it from the amplified Bible:
"I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]."
 I am so glad I don't have to try and summon up strength to do things I can really only do with Your help Lord. The verse says that Christ infuses me with His strength! Once every year I get an infusion of a medicine that will help make my dangerously thin and  porous bones stronger and more dense, but the great thing about the infusion is that I go into a medical (infusion) center, they insert an IV and then I simply "rest" while the medicine that will help my bones (later) is infused into me! All I do is show up at the infusion center, let the experts do their job and then "rest", I don't have to try and make the medicine work, it will do its job, just as God's infusion of strength will make me strong just when I know I can't go on under my own power!
I am never left alone to try and figure out what to do or how to do something; because, You are interested in every part of my life- in fact, You want to be Lord of every area and aspect of my life.
 You desiring to be a part of all of my life is not because You are a control freak, but rather because You know me better than I know myself and You already have a perfect plan for me and every part of my life!

WHAT? Christians Don't Get Depressed! Uh Oh...Then I'm In Big Trouble!

Lord, I haven't posted in so long and I'm sorry.

My struggle today, as I turn 57 years old is that I'm a Christian woman who suffers from depression.
WHAT? Christians don't get depressed!
Uh oh... then I'm in big trouble!
I have one or two good days, maybe even weeks and I think things are finally getting better, but this dreaded thing is relentless and it just keeps coming back. I need help Jesus.

I feel like a strong woman of God sometimes, able to withstand the demon of depression, but other days I find myself in isolation asking my heart how I got here...again?!

I will pursue Your answers, Lord. I know that You desire peace for me. I know that You desire rest and peace for my heart.

Some hard issues for me are that the depression stems from my chronic health problems which is another "iffy" topic for Christians, sickness and especially chronic illness are taboo in the Christian Community, almost a sign of spiritual weakness and if you are depressed you may have gotten to the point of no return. And yet, Your Word Lord has examples of others who were great men and women of God who suffered from depression and sadness that does not seem to go away.
My hope is in You, Lord.

How Did This Happen?

This post was started a few days ago and I've had some better days since then, but I decided to post it anyway because this blog is about talks with God - good, bad or otherwise!

It's 4:40 in the morning, I can't sleep, again! I'm sitting here asking myself how did I get so far away from God and His goodness? How did this happen?

God, I'm in spiritual trouble!
I don't even know what to say, what to pray or what to do!
I feel lost and lonely.
I have managed to alienate most of my family and loved ones so, these days, being in a room full of people is just about the loneliest thing I encounter. I have no church home so any spiritual growth comes from TBN and trying to read God's word at home in my room (alone).
My heart is sinking God, surely there's more to Your plan for me than this!? I literally cannot stand who or where I am right now, and I need help!
Help me, Abba...

So much of my struggle is with this physical pain and sickness and I have no idea how to get the help I need other than what I'm already doing and it is slow, painful and so far no success- at least where any significant relief from the pain is concerned. And then, the worst part is the struggle with the spiritual pain.
It seems as though I have been on the front lines of this spiritual battle for a very long time (3yrs) now and I can't keep going on like this!
Father, please help Your daughter, I am so weary and I need Your rest.


* 1Thessalonians 5:24 Amp. "Faithful is He Who is calling you [to Himself] and utterly trustworthy, and He will also do it [fulfill His call by hallowing and keeping you]."
Oh, I desperately want to cling to these words of truth! I will desperately cling to theses words, they are hope for my heart.

I made the mistake of putting too much of my trust, hope and future into people, the system, a program, the church, a doctor etc.. These are all good, but not where total trust is given or even expected. Jesus has shown me that only He holds total trust, to give it and receive it. Just like the verse says, faithful and utterly trustworthy are You! It is I who keeps forgetting that.

When I say that I feel lost and lonely, I hear You telling me Lord, that You felt that way too as You carried Your cross to the place where You would die for my lost and lonely soul. You never leave me, You always abide in me, so if I am lost and lonely then it can only mean that I am not abiding in You. That is a very sobering truth!
I feel the Holy Spirit reminding me that, yes, God can and does come down and touch thousands of people all at once, but He also can and does come down and touch one lonely and hurting heart of one of His precious daughter's. So whether I am in a room full of people and still so lonely it hurts or whether I am in a room all alone - I have Him,  ALWAYS!

I know God, that You have not ever left me, no, not once! It is I, who has abandoned You!
And, I now know, that is exactly how this slipping away from You and Your goodness did happen!

~