Why Ask Why?

Thank you Abba for letting me ask why...

In my humanness I want to ask why, but I feel You telling me that my answer may not come in this earthly realm. I may not get an answer to my why until the answer to my question does not matter! My flesh wants to ask why and it wants a flesh pleasing answer, but Your Spirit gently tugs on mine and tells me...the answers to your questions will not matter once you are in heaven...where earthly (temporal) things just do not matter.

When I am struggling with or questioning why I have so much pain in my physical body or why I am still actively waiting to receive my healing, Your Word tells me,  "Therefore (I) do not become discouraged (utterly spiritless, exhausted, and wearied out through fear). Though (my) outer man is [progressively] decaying and wasting away, yet (my) inner self is being [progressively] renewed day after day."  Sometimes the why is about, or the suffering is for, loved ones lost in sin or no longer in my life due to the ramifications of sin and the pain seems long going, never ending and I cannot bear it any longer. But Your Word tells me that,  "For (my) light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for (me) an everlasting weight of glory [beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!]. Since (I) consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal (brief and fleeting), but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting", 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (amp). WOW! What an answer to my question of why! So, as I ask why Your Word unfolds the truth and confirms what Your Spirit speaks to mine. 

You are telling me...Ponder your questions carefully before you pose them, remember, I am weaving a resplendent and eternal tapestry of many colors and I want very much for you to be woven deeply into the most beautiful part of it! Trust Me, I have been weaving for eternities- I wove you in your mother's womb (Ps 139:15) so I know how to weave the torn and tattered rags of your past, pain, and yes, your questions of why into something astounding in your life! 

HALLELUJAH! 

You affirm for me that there are absolute and definite answers to my questions, but I will miss more important questions if I get stuck on just one and I am already lost in the questioning when they are not of eternal importance. My treasures, my heart and my why's must stay on spiritual and heavenly focus. 

I can rest assured You are not choosing to ignore, avoid or just not answer my questions of why. But, maybe You have a question for me...Why My daughter are you asking why?  "I know the plans I have for you...I want you to enjoy success. I do not plan to harm you. I will give you hope for the years to come",  (Jer 29:11 NIRV). 

~

WHAT? Christians Don't Get Depressed! Uh Oh...Then I'm In Big Trouble!

Lord, I haven't posted in so long and I'm sorry.

My struggle today, as I turn 57 years old is that I'm a Christian woman who suffers from depression.
WHAT? Christians don't get depressed!
Uh oh... then I'm in big trouble!
I have one or two good days, maybe even weeks and I think things are finally getting better, but this dreaded thing is relentless and it just keeps coming back. I need help Jesus.

I feel like a strong woman of God sometimes, able to withstand the demon of depression, but other days I find myself in isolation asking my heart how I got here...again?!

I will pursue Your answers, Lord. I know that You desire peace for me. I know that You desire rest and peace for my heart.

Some hard issues for me are that the depression stems from my chronic health problems which is another "iffy" topic for Christians, sickness and especially chronic illness are taboo in the Christian Community, almost a sign of spiritual weakness and if you are depressed you may have gotten to the point of no return. And yet, Your Word Lord has examples of others who were great men and women of God who suffered from depression and sadness that does not seem to go away.
My hope is in You, Lord.

He Chose Me

...Of course Lord, You chose me and the reason that is so important to me is because I struggle so much with how to affirm my own worth and value through You, the filter in which I am sifted for eternal value and worth...

"Even as [in His love] He chose us [actually picked us out for Himself as His own] in Christ before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy (consecrated and set apart for Him) and blameless in His sight, even above reproach, before Him in love. For He foreordained us (destined us, planned in love for us) to be adopted (revealed) as His own children...because it pleased Him and was His kind intent",  Ephesians 1:4-5 Amp.

All of this planning and choosing me for Yourself took place before I ever did and You didn't have to choose me, You weren't forced to pick me as if I were the last kid left on the playground to be on your team - no, the scripture says it pleased You and it was Your kind intent - You, the Lord of the universe, intentionally chose me to be Yours and not just to be on Your team or to play a game and then be done with me, You chose me to be Yours forever!

I love You, Jesus!

Of course Lord, You chose me and the reason that is so important to me is because I struggle so much with how to affirm my own worth and value through You, the filter in which I am sifted for eternal value and worth. The world doesn't place much value on or in someone like me, I am not anything special in this day and age, on this planet earth. Whoever can measure up to this world's expectations? Not I, not anyone. Just ask the world it will tell you... "You can always be better" and when that message is sieved through the dark eyes of this world...you can always do or be better ultimately means, I'm not good enough. And if I continue to be influenced by the ways of this world I will find myself unable to acheive what it says I should and even if I could I would live frustrated- this world doesn't give what You can. 

But You Lord, have said I shall live in this world but I am not of this world- I belong to You and Your kingdom. When I am struggling with such things as my identity and Whose I am and can I really have a meaningful and purpose filled life in this crazy world?  I will remember Your words to me from the 139th Psalm, they speak of how I was "... intricately and curiously wrought [as if embroidered with various colors] in the depths of the earth...", v.15 amp., I am designed and purposely put together. "For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother's womb", Psalm 139:13 AMP. This beautiful psalm reminds me that I am unable to hide from You- You find me wherever I go, not because I am looking for You, but because You never stop thinking of me! "God, Your thoughts about me are priceless. No one can possibly add them all up", Ps.139:17 NIRV. I think I find it so hard to comprehend that You are always thinking about me because I can be so easily distracted when it comes to my thoughts of You, Lord. The world can overtake my focus when I really want it to be all about Your kingdom, Your ways, Your thoughts, Your words, Your truth- I hate the distraction, but it's true, I can sometimes be easily misguided at things that are not of eternal importance. I need Holy Spirit to guide me and keep me.
Thank You Jesus for choosing me and always thinking of and interceding for me. Your great love chose me and I'm still trying to wrap that powerful truth around my heart.
There's no greater love than a chosen love, a love that has been personally pursued and captured and has decided to give up, give in and be loved! That's what I want, Jesus, only You know how to capture my heart and set it free at the same time.

When I ponder the words in these verses about You choosing me my mere human understanding cannot fathom what You are telling me. I cannot imagine a God who creates me and chooses me for Himself, in a world of chaos and people who barely know I exist, You chose me before this world of chaos was even formed and it does not matter to You if I go unconsidered and disregarded in this world, because, You have high regard for me and I am never merely glossed over by Your amazing love!
As I read the verses from Your word I like to personalize them so that they read as follows:
Even as [in His love] He chose ME [actually picked ME out for Himself as His own] in Christ before the foundation of the world, that I should be holy (consecrated and set apart for Him) and blameless in His sight, even above reproach, before Him in love. For He foreordained ME (destined ME, planned in love for ME) to be adopted (revealed) as His own child through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the purpose of His will [because it pleased Him and was His kind intent]. When I do this with Your scriptures it reminds me that Your word is to be lived, not just read. Personalizing Your precious words helps me to see that it applies to me and my personal and everyday life.

Thank You so much for choosing me. I know Your love for me is not based on anything I do or don't do...You just love me...always!

~

...Woo Me Back, Jesus...

I remember times past when I have slipped away from Your grace and directed my hurts as hate against You,  but You didn't stop loving me. No, You wooed me back to You again. That's the kindness of Your mercy...it loves my hate away. You know me so well...You  know I need that mercy again.

Psalm 40:12 Amp, "For innumerable evils have compassed me about; my iniquities have taken such hold on me that I am not able to look up. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart has failed me and forsaken me."

Now that I have let myself be distracted by this world, the hurts of this life, the broken dreams and promises that never came to be and the lies of the enemy, I am ready to let my heart get back to where and Who it belongs to. My heart has drifted without direction and purpose for long enough.
I'm sorry Lord, I don't mean to sound or seem so flippant when speaking of slipping away from the safety of Your love, Your salvation, Your guidance, Your mercy, Your friendship, Your beautiful plan for me; especially, because I'm finding it's not so easy just to get back to where I want and need to be. I am asking You please, "Withhold not Your tender mercy from me, O Lord; let Your loving- kindness and Your truth continually preserve me!" I have remembered that Your words, Your truth, will preserve me when troubles have taken such a hold on me that I am unable to look up. I don't want these hurts and disappointments to rule and reign in my heart. I want Your words of truth and freedom to be what my heart gets smitten with.
I remember the times that I shared (willingly) everything with You, now I am finding it hard to even talk to You each day before it starts- oh, how I hate even saying that, but, You know it's true. It doesn't mean I don't talk to You, I am just finding different ways to do that-- I have already gone too long being angry and not talking to You, Lord.

I don't really mean to be selfish; what I really want is to be so filled with You that I can't possibly stay contained to just me-- that the You in me must be spilling out to others. Search the deepest parts of my heart Lord and show me the areas where that is not true. Show me how You and I will move truth into those lies of my heart.

Thank You Jesus for wooing me back to You, pease don't stop...it's working!

~

How Did This Happen?

This post was started a few days ago and I've had some better days since then, but I decided to post it anyway because this blog is about talks with God - good, bad or otherwise!

It's 4:40 in the morning, I can't sleep, again! I'm sitting here asking myself how did I get so far away from God and His goodness? How did this happen?

God, I'm in spiritual trouble!
I don't even know what to say, what to pray or what to do!
I feel lost and lonely.
I have managed to alienate most of my family and loved ones so, these days, being in a room full of people is just about the loneliest thing I encounter. I have no church home so any spiritual growth comes from TBN and trying to read God's word at home in my room (alone).
My heart is sinking God, surely there's more to Your plan for me than this!? I literally cannot stand who or where I am right now, and I need help!
Help me, Abba...

So much of my struggle is with this physical pain and sickness and I have no idea how to get the help I need other than what I'm already doing and it is slow, painful and so far no success- at least where any significant relief from the pain is concerned. And then, the worst part is the struggle with the spiritual pain.
It seems as though I have been on the front lines of this spiritual battle for a very long time (3yrs) now and I can't keep going on like this!
Father, please help Your daughter, I am so weary and I need Your rest.


* 1Thessalonians 5:24 Amp. "Faithful is He Who is calling you [to Himself] and utterly trustworthy, and He will also do it [fulfill His call by hallowing and keeping you]."
Oh, I desperately want to cling to these words of truth! I will desperately cling to theses words, they are hope for my heart.

I made the mistake of putting too much of my trust, hope and future into people, the system, a program, the church, a doctor etc.. These are all good, but not where total trust is given or even expected. Jesus has shown me that only He holds total trust, to give it and receive it. Just like the verse says, faithful and utterly trustworthy are You! It is I who keeps forgetting that.

When I say that I feel lost and lonely, I hear You telling me Lord, that You felt that way too as You carried Your cross to the place where You would die for my lost and lonely soul. You never leave me, You always abide in me, so if I am lost and lonely then it can only mean that I am not abiding in You. That is a very sobering truth!
I feel the Holy Spirit reminding me that, yes, God can and does come down and touch thousands of people all at once, but He also can and does come down and touch one lonely and hurting heart of one of His precious daughter's. So whether I am in a room full of people and still so lonely it hurts or whether I am in a room all alone - I have Him,  ALWAYS!

I know God, that You have not ever left me, no, not once! It is I, who has abandoned You!
And, I now know, that is exactly how this slipping away from You and Your goodness did happen!

~

Pain Doesn't Mean Hurt...

I know that You never mean me any harm, if something is painful to me I know that it is not meant to hurt me... It serves such a deeper purpose than hurt and while it is extroidinarily painful to my emotional flesh I know that it is not harmful! 

Sometimes You want me to grow and mature and get past my selfish self and stop sulking and let my heart grow spiritually and learn how to live out gratefulness! I really want that, I really do.  I know that I have a destiny in You and Your destiny is in me as well. 

 I have a renewed hope that I can and will fulfill what You created me for...my purpose! The very things that You have chosen for me and only me- someone may do the same things I am created to pursue, but no one else can do them the same way You, my Lord, have meant for me to do them! 

I'm getting excited because I am starting to have a spiritual breakthrough and I am starting to trust You ,Abba, like never before. You are Who and What makes life worth living, life without addictions and life that is fun! You are teaching me the things that redefine meaningful, purpose and fun! 

Jesus, I know that You see the deep things of my heart and You can see that there is (buried) deeper than should be- but there in my heart, none the less, this love, desire and yearning for You, to serve You. I love You. ~

Start Small, But Start!

Start Small, But Start 

     I have been putting off posting because I hadn't had a lot of conversation with God lately and so I was avoiding it, but Holy Spirit started speaking to me and I was put in the position to think (with my heart) and not be able to run or avoid it!  So my spirit clearly felt Holy Spirit speak this and say..."start small, but start!"

     Yes, Lord, I will take it one small step at a time. I will stop (with Your help), trying to already be there, somewhere, anywhere else and start learning to be in and enjoy the...where I am now! This will take me seeking You, Lord Jesus, and abiding in Your rest which ultimately brings strength to my spirit and physical body. I am so weak without You and I need Your strength to even get through the day. But, You are so faithful and I looked to You today when I was doing my part of this goal to get better in as much as it counts on me, and You were there to help me. You're faithful even when I am not (2 Timothy 2:13) and I'm grateful for Your new and tender mercies each and every day! 

   I'm thankful that my strength is in You. 

     Today,  I was getting tired before I even left for my physical therapy appointment, but I just stopped for a second and I asked You to strengthen me as only You can with Your power which is like no other. And, You did! 

     I Love You Jesus!